Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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