you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
