u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
