He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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