The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
