Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
