I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
