I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
