Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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