i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
