I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
