My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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