Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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