Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
