you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
