Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
