Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
