Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
