When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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