Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
