Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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