my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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