this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
