Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
