Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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