Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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