Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
