so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
