It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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