Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
