Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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