So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
