it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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