matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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