you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
