Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Four minutes until I can fart!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
