I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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