I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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