um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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