i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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