i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
