hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
