Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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