I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
