Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I love having hate sex.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
