i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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