The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
