Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
