Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
