My underwear smells like fireworks.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
