you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
