I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
