I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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