I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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