i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
