I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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