You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
