it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
