thus making me awesome and them whores
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
