Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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