I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
