pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
