I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We are two peas in an std pod
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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