I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
