I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I am spending my child support on dildos
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
