Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Can't talk, ducks in the car
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
